« Going ProustianDisgusted »
10.07.2002

TSA

I've now had a chance to watch the newly-minted Transportation Security Administration in action at airports in Burlington, Cleveland, Chicago, Newark, Seattle, Harrisburg, and Charlottesville, and I think I have figured out President Bush's master plan for saving the economy while protecting us from terrorism, all at the same time.

First, we hire boatloads of very large people, put them in uniform, and station them at strategically located break rooms in airports across the country. Though to the layman's eye they may seem to be doing absolutely nothing, their very presence will physically intimidate the terrorists, using the wall-of-flesh tactics proven so effective in championship wrestling and the NFL.

And because cowing Osama's minions makes for hungry work, the second, economic phase of the plan can kick in. Making thousands of very large people stand around idly in airports will inject millions of dollars into our strapped retail dining sector. And not only will airport concessions see a surge in sales, but the cunning choice of white ( instead of, say, dark gravy camo ) for the new TSA uniforms will mean a windfall for dry cleaners, as our hungry protectors upend the occasional triple bacon burger, distracted from their food by the weighty responsibilities of office.

What faster way to help the economy than by putting federal money to work at airports, home of the $5 bottle of mineral water? Those huge markups mean profits that concessionaires can put right back into the depressed stock market, where that rising tide will lift all of our boats. You can see the magic cycle at work here -- scrawny terrorists deterred by the sight of break rooms filled with large federal workers; selfsame workers paid a generous civil service wage, a large proportion of which gets spent on overpriced fast food; the food itself, tasty and caloric, keeping our TSA physically intimidating while revitalizing the economy.

¡Bravo, Señor Bush!

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