« Sneaky French Weasels Talk SenseHot Autocrat Sluts Want To Meet You »

Awful Awfuls

The better half and I went out to have dinner today at the Newport Creamery, a Rhode Island institution. Think of it as Friendly's with good ice cream. You know you are in a restaurant of class when some of the menu items have the word "Improved!" right next to them, in bright bold type. It's exciting. It implies some kind of Newport Creamery test kitchen, where scientists eat the popcorn shrimp, and shake their heads and say "something's not right, something's missing. It could still be improved."

It occured to me in the Newport Creamery that we are probably the only nation ever to have deep fried cheese. And the better half and I actually came up with a sandwich concept, which you are free to franchise and earn a million dollars from:

  • The StixBurger - Five deep-fried mozzarella sticks, smothered in ranch dressing, covered in bacon, and served on a kaiser roll with lettuce leaf and tomato.
  • The StixBurger Lite - Same as above, except with skim mozzarella, reduced fat ranch dressing, and the bacon and cheese sticks are baked, not fried.
  • The StixBurger Mex - Instead of cheese sticks, jalapeno poppers, smothered in cheddar, covered with sour cream and zesty chipotle dressing. Olé!
  • The StixBurger Cordon Bleu - Bleu cheese dressing instead of ranch, and a thick slice of Canadian bacon. Served on a croissant.
  • The BlixBurger - One of the cheese sticks contains ricin. Can you find it?

Of course, the real reason to go to the Newport Creamery is to have an Awful Awful. As the helpful slogan printed on every Awful Awful glass will tell you, "it's a drink". A milk shake, in fact. One reason for the slogan is that an Awful Awful has the consistency (but not flavor!) of freshly poured concrete, and it is not immediately obvious that you can suck it through a straw. I ordered a chocolate mint Awful Awful Junior, which came in a little glass and weighed six pounds. It even looked like freshly poured concrete, but the taste was heavenly.

The better half had a full-size strawberry chocolate chip Awful Awful, which resembled a giant tumbler of Pepto Bismol with ants at the bottom. She looked me right in the eye and drank the whole thing, ants shooting up through the straw. The better half is not a large woman; I still can't for the life of me figure out where that enormous tumbler of pink slurry all fit.

« Sneaky French Weasels Talk SenseHot Autocrat Sluts Want To Meet You »

Greatest Hits

The Alameda-Weehawken Burrito Tunnel
The story of America's most awesome infrastructure project.

Argentina on Two Steaks A Day
Eating the happiest cows in the world

Scott and Scurvy
Why did 19th century explorers forget the simple cure for scurvy?

No Evidence of Disease
A cancer story with an unfortunate complication.

Controlled Tango Into Terrain
Trying to learn how to dance in Argentina

Dabblers and Blowhards
Calling out Paul Graham for a silly essay about painting

Attacked By Thugs
Warsaw police hijinks

Dating Without Kundera
Practical alternatives to the Slavic Dave Matthews

A Rocket To Nowhere
A Space Shuttle rant

Best Practices For Time Travelers
The story of John Titor, visitor from the future

100 Years Of Turbulence
The Wright Brothers and the harmful effects of patent law

Every Damn Thing

2020 Mar Apr Jun Aug Sep Oct
2019 May Jun Jul Aug Dec
2018 Oct Nov Dec
2017 Feb Sep
2016 May Oct
2015 May Jul Nov
2014 Jul Aug
2013 Feb Dec
2012 Feb Sep Nov Dec
2011 Aug
2010 Mar May Jun Jul
2009 Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep
2008 Jan Apr May Aug Nov
2007 Jan Mar Apr May Jul Dec
2006 Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov
2005 Jan Feb Mar Apr Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec
2004 Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Oct Nov Dec
2003 Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec
2002 May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec

Your Host

Maciej Cegłowski


Please ask permission before reprinting full-text posts or I will crush you.